I'm continuing this series on values because I can't seem to get it out of my head.
Last week, I wrote about how we lean on certain values when we're stressed (2 min read).
I want to explore that a bit further this week.
First, a short and very recent story about a moment when I found it really, really hard to forgive someone I love.
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We had just landed in Australia.
It was time to ditch all the food items in our backpack that we're carried along our 20+ hour journey. Our kids aren't skilled at eating things beyond a very small list, so when we travel, we need to bring that list with us in a backpack.
Australia does not like/allow most food to enter the country for ecological safety reasons.
We knew this. So, the first thing we did after getting off the plane was to open up our backpack and ditch all the food inside. My wife took on this task.
Just so you have some context before we go further in this story, we had been traveling for 20+ hours, across the international date line, with very little sleep, not enough hydration, and two young kids. The word exhausted doesn't do justice for how we were feeling.
So we got in a super long queue for customs. Then we got in another super long queue for our bags. Then, just as we saw the exit sign, the final person checking our documentation asked us to proceed to further screening.
There was a sniffing dog involved.
After standing in yet another long line, the dog went to work.
It stopped at our backpack.
At this point, I had confirmed with my wife that the backpack was empty, and my wife had checked the backpack multiple times.
When the dog stopped, we reasoned that it was super well trained and was likely sniffing what used to be the mini-fridge worth of food that we carried and had just ditched out of our backpack.
We were asked to go and see a biosecurity officer.
He asked us some questions and then put on some gloves to perform a manual search.
He pulled out a bag of cut up cucumbers.
This was the moment when I found it very, very hard to forgive someone I love. My wife.
***
When we're stressed, we lean hard on a specific value we hold.
I think the reason we do that is because we feel that value will help us to get through the stressful moment.
Here's the tricky thing: When you're in a stressful moment with someone close to you, and you're experiencing that stressful thing together, you may each lean on different values.
Those values might be in tension with each other.
My wife and I have talked about the moment in the story that I just shared, and it's still an open conversation, so I will likely write more about it when we're finished.
For now, here are two things we've discovered:
Thing One: When we are stressed and lean on a specific value, we use that value as a lens through which to see the world in that moment. If that world happens to include someone who is not living up to your definition of that value, you will likely be in conflict with that person. In the case of our story, the value I leaned on was discipline, and I saw my wife's mistake as a failure of discipline. Since chatting about it, I've learned that my wife's value in that moment—one of them at least—is relational. My inability to immediately forgive her and move on to figuring out what we do now vs. being stuck on what we didn't do earlier, was how I failed to be relational.
Thing Two: If you consider Thing One, then you might wonder how you resolve this conflict. What if one person leans on a value that is in direct conflict with another person's value in that moment? This is something we're still talking about, but the idea that my wife introduced starts with a question, "In moments of stress, what is the shared value that shows up for us, together?" I love this question. Rather than forcing one of us to bend to the other's value, it actually gives us a common ground to stand on and approach our situation with.
***
If you're reading this and you have someone that you do a lot of life with, especially a person that you might find yourself in stressful situations with, consider asking them what value shows up for them in stress, and then consider discussing what value you can lean on together when you're both stressed.
p.s. In case you're wondering how the story ended, we got away with a written warning. We were told that if this happens again, the fine would be over $6,000. I have so many thoughts on that. I'll save those for another time.