Unmet Expectations

The secret to happiness?

I'm sure you've heard the this line.

Have low expectations.

It's so hard to follow this advice sometimes.

I've been wondering recently, where do expectations even come from?

I'm not talking about the obvious places like previous experience, or hearing about someone else's experience.

I'm trying to understand our need to even have expectations of any kind in the first place.

Where does that come from?

I've found a clue in how we respond when our expectations go unmet.

***

If we believe the secret-to-happiness idea, then when our expectations go unmet, we must only feel one thing, right?

Sadness.

Perhaps, disappointment.

But think about the last time your expectations weren't met ... is this all you felt?

It certainly wasn't all I felt.

I felt angry. Hurt. Perhaps a bit jaded even.

The recurring example for me, is when I spend close to an hour preparing a dinner that our kids end up complaining about and not eating.

So back to the question, where do expectations come from?

The clue I'm pointing to, suggests that there's much more at play than just a feeling of happiness or sadness here.

Those feelings of anger and hurt that sometimes show up when our expectations go unmet, are really masking the true feeling.

Fear.

***

We create expectations because we crave certainty.

We crave certainty because—I heard or read the following idea somewhere and can't recall where—life is inherently uncertain.

Death is certain. Life isn't. At some level that must scare the heck out of us, and so, in response, we crave certainty in life.

Expectations are one path to that achieving that certainty.

When they go unmet, we are forced to confront the fact that life isn't certain.

Hence, fear.

***

If you buy the idea that fear is actually what's behind our unmet expectations, then responses like hurt or anger make a lot more sense.

Is there a solution here?

I'm not even sure there's really a problem. I think creating expectations is just something we will continue to do forever.

A quote I once read does bring me some comfort around this.

It's related to surprises.

Unmet expectations can sometimes be surprising, not always in the positive sense.

I'll leave you with the quote.

"The correct lesson to learn from surprises is that the world is surprising." - Daniel Kahneman